Thursday, July 19th, 2018
I am not talkative. It has been a life struggle trying to be communicative. It hasn’t been a choice. More like personality. I am better than what I was years ago, but I still do suck at it. At least now, I have some charm – like a sociopath – but I still am sometimes socially awkward. I could pass off as being aloof and disinterested when, really, I am exhausted. Having a conversation is just too demanding. It is as if I do not have the fortitude nor the intelligence to sustain a conversation. I’ve improved to the point where I could start off great, then, I would want to fade into solitude until I’m ready again for another short burst of communication – small talk – until I want to fade away once again.
I wish I was more talkative. Only in writing am I really. Probably because I feel safe. There is no need for eye contact. And I may not get a direct response. Maybe I just want someone to listen.
But I have things to say. Sometimes. I really do wish I was more vocal instead. Talkative isn’t the right word. Vocal – especially at work. And just because I am silent doesn’t mean I am not there. It doesn’t mean I’m dumb or I know nothing. I have things to say in response to such ignorant notions, but I am not going to say it. It would seem “unprofessional”. I sometimes think about what two talkative people think and talk about regarding that one quiet person.
Nobody really knows him. He seems different.
It shouldn’t matter. But I wish I could tell them that. That and to be more professional.